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The Four virtues
thatEvery leader must have, or else
leaders must have self-awareness.
Know your hesitations and you will know your people's temptations.
What do I mean?
Imagine you’re a pastor of a church.
You’re preparing to preach a series on marriage.
Which would you rather preach?
“Love your wife like Christ did when he gave himself for his bride?" (Col. 3:19)
“Submit to your husband like Sarah did when she obeyed Abraham, calling him lord” (Col. 3:18)
Given our cultural climate, I bet many pastors would rather preach the first sermon, summoning men to love and sacrifice for their wives like Christ did. They would preach it clearly, straight down the middle. On the other hand, there would be some fear and trepidation about proclaiming "Wives, submit like Sarah." That sermon would be padded with massive amounts of nuance and qualifications.
Nuance can be wise. But leaders, you must interrogate your reluctances and hesitations. And you must subject your passions and snap reactions to the word of God. If you are not vigilant, your passions will lead you by the nose, and you won't even know it.
In our anxious age, self-awareness is an underappreciated virtue for leaders.
Unless you’re aware of your own hesitations, you’ll likely be ignorant of your congregation’s temptations. You’ll subtly avoid certain topics so that you don’t provoke reactions. Over time, you’ll find that rather than shepherding your people, you’re coddling them, tickling their ears, and they will drift with the cultural winds rather than being anchored in the word of God. A people that drifts like this will find themselves under the judgment of God–filled with broken families, bitter conflict, and inexplicable relational tangles, all overseen by a nice pastor who never rocks the boat.
And so we must ask ourselves hard questions: which biblical truths are we eager to say out loud and clearly, and which truths are we reluctant to speak on? Which truths will we proclaim straight down the middle, and which ones require acres of qualifications and nuance?
The value of these questions lies in highlighting our real but unacknowledged reluctances. It’s a way of revealing those things that we know, but often won’t admit that we know. We often have an intuitive awareness of the landmines in our church; you can tell by how we tiptoe. But unless we’re aware of the tiptoeing, we won’t know whether the tiptoeing is an expression of wisdom, or of cowardice.
So grow in self-awareness so that you can know how best to lead your people, whether you’re leading a church, a home, a business, or a school. Ask for God’s help to know yourself. Make Psalm 139:23-24 a regular prayer.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Joe Rigney
Twitter: @joe_rigney
First In, Last Out, Laughing Loudest
Reactivity will sink your organization. Develop instead the virtue of curiosity.
Pick your last substantial conflict within your immediate family.
Maybe it was a fight with your wife. She pointed out a way that you’ve failed to do something you said you’d do (and let’s say she said it in “that particular tone of voice”). You got defensive and pushed back (in your version of “that tone”). Things escalated from there, and it was a long and frustrating night.
Or maybe it was a whole messy family affair–conflict among the kids, spilled over to disrespect to your wife, and you walked into the middle of exasperation, anger, frustration, and an expectation that you need to “do something” about it. Tensions were high, passions were zipping through the family like lightning, and when they landed on you, you sent them careening back into the system. Again, escalation and lingering bitterness and frustration.
So now here we are, doing the post-game press conference, evaluating your performance in the conflict. What were you missing?
Of course, we could start with self-awareness–why did you react the way you did? What sore spot did their reactions press on? What fears, desires, frustrations, and experiences lay behind your reaction. But we’ve already touched on that subject (in the first email).
Here I want to commend another unappreciated virtue–curiosity.
Many family conflicts arise when husbands fail to live with their wives (and children) “in an understanding way” (literally, “according to knowledge”). Thus, if you lack knowledge and understanding, you must get curious. The problem comes when we view such failure as simply a lack of relevant information, as though the husband is merely missing data. But the kind of knowledge and understanding in view is more about a husband’s emotional posture and orientation to his family.
Curiosity here means stepping out of the storm of frustration, tension, anger, strife, and defensiveness in order to learn what you don’t know so that you can step back in with wisdom in grace.
Curiosity means that you’re attentive; you’re dialed in, not checked out.
Curiosity means that you’re humble, refusing to jump to conclusions and make accusations, but instead asking questions and seeking clarity.
Curiosity means that you’re patient, absorbing your family’s intense reaction with calm steadiness rather than a defensive crouch.
Curiosity means actually trying to understand your family’s motives, desires, fears, weaknesses, sin patterns, preferences, and frustrations, as well as the way that each member collides with the others.
So be curious: get humble, do not respond in kind, ask good questions. Because if you address snap reactions with snap reactions, you’ll never be a part of the solution (i.e. your job, by the way).
Leader, here is the basic choice that you have.
You can react to conflict with frustration and exasperation. When your son mouths off, you can be deeply offended and respond in kind. When your wife gets emotional, you can shut down and get defensive. When your daughter erupts, you can pour fuel on the fire. In other words, you can double down on conflict that is polarized, oppositional, and adversarial, in which everyone views everyone else as “the problem.” And if you do, your family will be a big bundle of bitterness and resentment, simmering on a low boil while everyone walks on eggshells.
Or, by the grace of God, you can step out of the adversarial frame and view the conflict as an opportunity for discipleship and growth in godliness.
You can calmly and humbly and patiently ask questions. You can get curious, and in getting curious, invite your family out of their own defensive crouch. You can see their frustration and draw it out. You can help them to name their issues biblically, either in terms of weakness, or in terms of wickedness. You can refuse to be another emotional domino in the family system and instead labor to bring clarity so that those who need to repent can repent, and forgiveness and grace can reign through Jesus Christ.
Rather than reactive passions, you can bring calm, patient, and steady pressure to bear, by showing biblical compassion through humble curiosity.
Joe Rigney
Twitter: @joe_rigney
First In, Last Out, Laughing Loudest
ONBOARD YOUR LEADERSHIP TEAM
Elders, School boards, Mens Groups, Exec Teams
give your team strength in times of emotional sabotage
TEAM ORDER PROMO ENDS MArch 1
